


Sam's Confession

by morganaDW (morgana07)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Bottom Sam, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Porn, Protective Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, Worried Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:44:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgana07/pseuds/morganaDW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fights and bitterness between them have finally driven Sam past the breaking point, forcing him to make a choice that he might not return from. He leaves Dean everything including a heartbreaking confession on the laptop that not only reveals some things Dean didn’t know of that lost year but also a startling secret that Sam’s kept for thirteen years…a secret that forces Dean to examine a lot as he rushes to not only save Sam but to face how much he’s willing to change. *Angsty/depressed/dark thoughts/suicidal!Sam & Upset/ angry/concerned!Dean* Set in S8 between Torn and Frayed and LARP & The Real Girl. (Dean/Sam) 1st time Wincest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: I’ll warn for language. I’ll also toss out warnings for triggers since the beginning of this piece if kind of dark with suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide (This IS NOT a death Fic). It’ll also have the usual warning for explicit stuff since this will be Wincest by the end.  
> Disclaimer:I don’t own anything. This is written for the enjoyment of fans.  
> Author Note: Yes, I have a couple plots in mind for the season opener but wanted to get this one out of my head first. Instead of making a huge one-shot I’ll probably do a couple short chapters. Yes, it’s a dark piece but I promise to fix things by the end

** Chapter One **

****

“‘ _Benny’s been a better brother to me than you have_.’”

Those words were still echoing through Sam Winchester’s head even after nearly a week. Unlike the things his older brother had said in the motel room while possessed by that cursed coin, Sam couldn’t shrug these words away as Dean being under the control of something or someone.

No, those words were said plainly. They were said because Dean was still hurt and angry that Sam left hunting and hadn’t looked for him or so he thought.

Dean had been tossing the little jabs out every once in a while but that day he’d been pushed to the limit and maybe Sam didn’t blame his brother for feeling betrayed or for thinking that a vampire from Purgatory was better for him than the brother that had looked up to him for nearly thirty years.

Stirring the pot of chili on the stove while watching the clock to gauge the time he had left before Dean got back from a supply run to town and the bar he was certain his brother would stop at, Sam felt for what he’d had in his pocket since picking them up the other day.

“‘ _I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl_?’”

Between the words said over Benny and the anger Dean felt at what he felt was the ultimate betrayal Sam knew there was no going back for him…for them.

He couldn’t possibly explain the truth to Dean about that lost year without his brother either not believing him or being ashamed and the side of Sam that still looks for his big brother’s acceptance and pride couldn’t bear to see either in Dean’s eyes.

The younger Winchester knew his brother would never forgive him for what he believed had kept Sam from looking for him. That also meant that Sam could never tell Dean what he sincerely wanted to tell him, what he’d wanted to confess since they were both teenagers.

If Dean was pissed at him now Sam figured he could see what the reaction to this confession would be if he did it face to face. That was the reason he’d left it on the laptop and could only hope Dean listened to it all the way before deciding to cut his losses.

Sam wasn’t sure who Dean had been protecting by faking the text message from Amelia that took Sam away from the case with Benny to go back to Kermit; him or the vampire.

He liked to think that maybe it was him but the other side of his brain, the side that accepted that he’d been replaced again, suspected that he’d gotten Sam away from that small town in Louisiana to keep the vampire alive even though they both know Benny probably could’ve killed Sam easily right then.

The distractions of keeping his own secrets, bad and worse, seemed to be taking Sam off his game a step and that would get one of them hurt sooner or later.

He didn’t want to see Dean hurt because of his mistakes but he also knew he couldn’t stand for the day to come when Dean decided to walk away out of shame, anger or disappointment.

After helping Dean on this last case, after Castiel got all weird on them and vanished, his brother had finally said he would understand if Sam walked away. He wouldn’t hold him back from having the normal apple pie life Sam had always wanted.

“It’s not that simple,” Sam whispered, shutting the chili off while checking to be sure everything in the old cabin was in order and clean.

It wasn’t normal with Amelia that Sam wanted. It had never been normal with anyone that Sam truly ever wanted but he knew that he could never expect his older brother, his flirt and have sex with anything in a skirt and high heels brother to understand the truth behind what Sam has always wanted.

He could never tell Dean what he needed to and not lose his brother so Sam had chosen the only other way out that he could see plausible even if it would make Dean more ashamed of him because he was a Winchester and Winchesters weren’t cowards.

Sam didn’t consider his choice to be cowardice. He considered it the only way to shield his brother because if he wasn’t around and anyone came looking they couldn’t use Dean to hurt him and he couldn’t hurt his brother if the truth ever came out of what he’d been hiding for thirteen years.

He wouldn’t make Dean more hurt or ashamed than he was of him if he ever learned who it was Sam really wanted to be with.

Making sure the laptop was where Dean would see it when he walked in the cabin door; Sam removed all but his ID and Dean’s cellphone number from his wallet and left his cellphone next to the laptop. Where he was going he wouldn’t need any more than that and what he also carried in his pocket.

Walking into his room, he checked to be sure everything was sorted into piles of things that he thought Dean could still use to a pile that could be donated and finally a pile that should be burned to reduce the chance of spiritual clinging.

The small note in his pocket would assure everything else after the end would be handled and all Sam could do was hope his brother would still care enough after listening to the confession to honor his last request.

Digging through his duffel, the last thing Sam had taken care of unpacking and sorting through to put all the weapons in the weapons bag while slipping a couple older keepsakes into his brother’s duffel because it hurt too much to pitch them.

The three items in his hand Sam carried back out to place on the table on top of the card he bought when the idea first came to him after his and Dean first huge fight after his brother’s return from Purgatory and when it became plain to Sam just how badly things were between them again.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” he wished he could say goodbye in person but Sam knew it would hurt even more to see the cold detached expression in green eyes he’d grown up watching to be able to gauge Dean’s emotions. “Forgive me as much as you’ll be able to.”

Sam shivered in the cool night air but didn’t think of getting his jacket because that would just be one more thing his brother or someone would have to dispose of.

The old run down car would run enough to get Sam as far as he was going. He wasn’t sure why he’d chosen to return to Kermit, Texas for this but if he was being honest with himself then he guessed it only fitting to choose to end his life where he’d come so close to dying before.

Of course he accepted the odds of Dean learning about that other time if he did follow him high but by that time it wouldn’t matter if he learned the real reason Sam stayed in Kermit for two months after nearly destroying himself in countless failed attempts to find his brother.

It wouldn’t matter because Sam would be dead and Dean could move on with either forgiving him or hating him for it all since he hadn’t kept anything back in the recorded confession...including the one secret that Sam had sworn never to reveal but had to finally be honest about it now as he touched the bottle of pills in his pocket again.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Minor language, mention of suicide and I’ll in a blanket tissue warning just to be safe since I teared up at a few things in Sam’s confession.

**Chapter Two**

“Sam! Hey, come grab one of these… _sonuvabitch_ ,”  Dean Winchester’s heart sank even as he stepped into the oddly quiet cabin to smell chili on the stove but the sight of what was sitting on the table told him even before he looked that his brother had made his choice.

Dropping the two bags on the couch while jerking his denim jacket off to let it fall on the back of a chair, the hunter tried to ignore the pain, the loss, the guilt and the tiniest bit of anger that all wanted to surface as he took in the open laptop with a flashing message, the cellphone that only Sam knew how to use, cash and credit cards from Sam’s wallet and…

Swallowing hard at the final three things that had been placed on top of a card with a clearly sad eyed puppy on the front, Dean’s nerves were beginning to take a turn that said this was more than just leaving to go find normal.

Before touching the flashing laptop that was flashing the message ‘ **Hit Enter’** in bold type, Dean briefly surveyed the cabin to see it was nearly spotless with supper cooked. A look in Sam’s room made him frown because the marked piles also meant that Sam had taken no clothes or anything else with him but had left it here either for Dean to use or discard or…burn to prevent spiritual hanging on.

“What the hell, Sam?” he spoke to the now eerily silent cabin as the hairs began to stand up on his arms as he went back out to sit in front of the laptop to finger the black rubber bracelet he’d known Sam had started to wear again while running the silver ring that had been his until he stopped wearing it between his own fingers but couldn’t bring himself to touch the bronze amulet that he hadn’t seen since he dropped it in a trashcan nearly three years before in a fit of despondency.

Since returning from Purgatory, Dean hadn’t checked his duffel for the ring and he shouldn’t have been shocked to know that Sam hadn’t left the amulet in the trashcan since it had nearly destroyed the younger man the moment it fell from Dean’s hand.

He had regretted a lot of things in his life but nothing like tossing away the amulet his eight year old little brother had given him one Christmas. It had been a symbol of them being brothers but too many angels and the Apocalypse had finally pushed Dean to the edge and he’d lost faith in them…or so he believed.

Now as he sat in front of the laptop that he never thought Sam would ever leave behind, something told Dean that he might’ve just made another mistake.

Ignoring the food or the beer that he’d been thinking of having, his finger hit the button and was instantly glad he wasn’t drinking when the prerecorded video of Sam sitting on the bed in his room slowly sorting through things came on and the first words out of his brother’s mouth hit him in the heart.

“‘ _I’m sorry, Dean._ ’”

Sam had been saying that ever since Dean had returned and learned that his little brother had left him for dead and usually Dean had learned to shrug the apology away but this time was the first real time that he’d heard it said with a low broken voice, the voice that Sam only got when things were bad and his brother was breaking.

“‘ _I know I should’ve stayed and done this face to face but…I think by the end you’ll be glad you’re listening to the laptop since I’m sure you’re getting tired of hitting me and…you’ll want to do more than hit me if you listen to all of this_.’”

Sam continued to sort piles of clothes and other things into the piles that Dean had seen on his bed while trying to avoid looking into the camera on the laptop but after several moments he finally lifted hazel eyes to show the tears already streaking pale cheeks.

“‘ _I can continue to say I’m sorry until I’m dead but since that won’t be too much longer I hope you’ll listen to this and finally understand,_ ’” he tugged on the sleeve of an old worn hoodie that had somehow managed to survive eight years since the fire at Stanford. “‘ _I know you think I didn’t look for you at all. That I’d been in Kermit the whole time with Amelia but…I looked for eight months, Dean._

 _“‘I barely slept or ate as I tried to find someone, something that would help me find you and get you back because I knew you weren’t dead. I knew it because I knew that if you were dead a piece of my heart would’ve been dead but nothing worked_ ,’” Sam took a ragged shirt out of the duffel with holes torn in it and a piece of Dean froze because he recognized it as the one he’d been wearing the night a hellhound had torn him to pieces. “‘ _I tried finding a demon to deal but Crowley had made it known not to deal with me. I tried witches, shamans, anyone that I thought would know but I couldn’t find you_.’”

Carefully folding the shirt back to place it in a duffel that was Dean’s, Sam stood to slowly begin to pace; fingers restless as they ran through his longer than normal hair. “‘ _I’d stopped in to see Jodi and to see if anything had survived at Bobby’s that might give me a name or something else to try when a couple ex-hunters who’d been trying to get past the locks we put on the place jumped me_.’”

“Huh,” Dean’s lips thinned as those words went through him because no matter what else he might be feeling right then the knowledge that his upset and confused little brother had been attacked at a place he should’ve been safe pissed him off. “Someone bleeds.”

“‘ _They weren’t anyone we really knew. I think Dad worked with them once but they were friends with Walt and the guys that jumped me in Oklahoma that time so they knew enough to not like me. I guess they were right about one thing. It had been too damn long since I hadn’t had my big brother to have my back but I’ll say there were six of them to excuse why they took me down finally but…I’d like to think you’d be proud that I still nailed three of them before the knife in my side stopped me._

“‘ _I lost a little time but then Jodi had come looking for me and a pissed off Sheriff was enough to chase them away…for a few months,_ ’” Sam sighed, sitting back on the bed to stare into the screen. “‘ _I was laid up in Sioux Falls for a couple weeks since the knife wound got infected and the broken ribs and dislocated shoulder made driving hard but as soon as I could move without Jodi threatening to shoot me again I was back on the road to find a clue and that’s…when I screwed up._

 _“‘I was driving through Kermit to meet with a friend of Pastor Jim who had some lore books. I was still on this side of feverish and tired when I hit Riot. Yes, Amelia guilted me into staying until the dog was better and I just planned on staying until he was up and about and I could find someone good to take him. I used to sit with Riot and tell him that I’d keep him except my big brother would kill me for having a dog in the car,_ ’” Sam’s small smile was forced but it was what he was rolling in his hand that caught Dean’s attention because he knew they didn’t have any pills in a bottle like that.

“‘ _I was walking from the clinic back to the motel I was staying at one night when all I felt was the shot when the first bullet hit me. I never felt or heard the other two or the beating that took place until the hotel manager’s wife looked out, screamed and then called the cops._

 _“‘Amelia said I was in a coma for four weeks after I nearly bled out on the operating table but when I woke up and realized for the first time in a long time that I was in a hospital but you wouldn’t be beside me to tell me it was all going to be alright I didn’t want to go on_ ,’” Sam’s voice shook like his hands did as he pocketed what he was holding. “‘ _I lived because Amelia was going through my wallet to find a number of someone to call and pulled out your picture._

“‘ _I lived because she showed me what I was fighting to get back, Dean. The one bullet had collapsed a lung and the other missed my spine so I was laid-up for a couple months. I supposed I formed some feelings for Amelia because she stayed with me, took care of me and never let me forget what I was fighting for…even if she didn’t fully understand. I was leaving Kermit right when I got your call and I was so shocked to see you, to feel you, to know that I hadn’t lost everything that I…wasn’t quick enough to answer you before you jumped to the conclusion that I hadn’t looked,_ ’” rubbing his palms down his jeans, Sam began to pace again rather than sit still.

Dean’s emotions were all over the place right then as he took in what his brother was saying but also the things that Sam wasn’t saying, things that he didn’t have to say because Dean had no trouble picturing the scene in his mind and wanted to slap himself for the hell he’d been giving Sam for weeks.

He’d noticed the pain Sam had seemed to be in, the way he’d tried to keep Dean from seeing his back or the fresh scars on his upper arms that Dean had known weren’t there before but had let his own rage and hurt feelings keep him from seeing the truth.

Of course that didn’t explain why Sam, it seemed, had taken him up on his offer to leave with no strings attached and go back to normal but as he brought his focus back to the screen he caught the way his little brother was moving, how his eyes kept shifting around the room and recalled similar habits when Sam had been a teenager looking to avoid something that Dean had never managed to get out of him.

“‘ _So I did look for you and I would’ve kept looking for you, Dean. I’m so sorry you think I betrayed you but…I guess Benny’s better. You don’t have to worry about him screwing up or disappointing you_ ,’” this time when Sam sat down to look at the screen there was fear in his eyes and that always worried Dean. “‘ _You’ll get a call when it’s over because I’m only taking my license and your number with me. I’m going back to Kermit not to stay with Amelia but to say goodbye, Dean_.

“‘ _I’m saying goodbye to you like this because I’m also going to tell you the truth of why I didn’t want to stay with her and why I went to school and why Jess and I were barely a shell. I babbled it to Amelia during a night of too much pain, too much booze and not enough you to keep me grounded but you deserve to know why normal and apple pie would never work for me._

 _“‘I know I said it’s what I wanted and I thought after I went away to college that the feelings would go away. That whatever was making me a perverted freak would go away but…it never really left. Not even after Jess came, I never stopped wanting the one person that I knew I’d love forever but would never love me, or at least not like I wished he would._ ’”

Dean’s eyes had closed with burning tears as all of that began to settle when they snapped back open as that last part dawned on him. “Come again?” he blinked at the machine to swallow as something unsettling began to hit even as Sam spoke in a tone that dropped even lower.

“‘ _You hate me now and God, I’m sorry that you’ll hate me even more for this but…if I’m dying then I’ll at least tell you the truth and…if you choose not to come when whoever in Kermit finds me and calls you, if you decide that this has ended even the part of you that still might look at me like your brother and you don’t want the hustle of claiming the body then…I’ll…understand and I will try not to hang on and be a burden that you or…Garth has to deal with._

 _“‘When I was sixteen years old it hit me one day while watching you workout what I’d been feeling even before that. I used to watch you in school with those girls and hate every one of them. The week I didn’t talk to you, that you thought it was because you forgot some stupid play I was in that week, was because I’d walked in on you and the girl of the week on the motel couch making out and…it hurt, Dean. It hurt to see you with them when I knew if I told you how I felt, how I’d been feeling for you, that you’d either laugh or beat the crap outta me because to know you’re little brother was annoying was one thing but to find out it made me hard to see you workout or to feel you touch me in sparring and…I…I love you_.’”

If anything else he’d heard in his life hadn’t floored him before this last line managed to do it as all the blood seemed to turn to ice a second before it heated as Dean stared at the laptop and listened to whispered confession as Sam told him the real reason he’d wanted to escape to college and why he’d nearly grabbed onto Dean the night he’d broken into the apartment.

“‘ _I think I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen; the first time a so-called date with a girl ended with just a peck on her cheek and me jerking off in the shower with you doing pushups in the bedroom while teasing me about how it went,_ ’” Sam sighed, scrubbing both hands over his eyes before continuing. “‘ _I’m not saying I don’t like girls because Jess and I got on fine in the bedroom and I am attracted to them but if it came to me settling down to normal? I wouldn’t settle unless it…it was with you and that’s why I understand if you don’t come after they call you._

 _“‘I know you’re probably freaking in about ten ways to hear your little pain in the ass brother admit he’d a bigger freak and pervert for wanting to have felt your hands on me just once in a not so brotherly way and I’m sorry your last memory of me will be learning this and being more ashamed and disappointed in me than you were before,_ ’” standing shakily, Sam walked to kneel in front of the laptop to reach for the button to end the recording. “‘ _I’ll be gone by the time you get back. I’ll leave this and some other stuff for you to find. The clothes you can pitch or burn but…if you decide you don’t want the amulet then…well, you can’t burn it with me if you decide not to come so…_ ’” shaking his head as his voice cracked a final time, Sam swallowed to lay his hand on the screen with a smile that showed both his pain and all the buried emotion he hadn’t allowed to surface. “‘ _Love you and I wish I could’ve been the son and brother you and Dad wanted me to be. G’bye, Dean._ ’”

The laptop shut down automatically at that and it seemed like Dean stared at that black screen for hours rather than the five seconds it took to get his brain and heart both working again.

Learning what his little brother’s deep dark secret had been wasn’t a complete shock since Caleb had been teasing Dean that Sammy sometimes acted more like a jealous girlfriend than an annoying little brother but he’d slugged his friend and ignored it…just like he ignored all the times people mistook them for a couple.

Dean had been ignoring the odd looks, the rude comments and the way men and women looked his brother over like a piece of meat since Sam grew into that damn growth spurt that shot him four inches taller than Dean.

He’d ignored it all because Sam was his brother. He was the kid he’d taken care of, raised and protected since Sam was six months old. He was…Sammy and God, how he’d screwed up this time.

No longer interested in food or beer, Dean was snagging the phone, the laptop and other things to shove them in the laptop case while his fingers touched the amulet before slipping it back over his head to feel its familiar weight settle back against his chest and flipping open the card to nearly go to his knees at the shaky writing he read inside.

“‘ _This’ll be the last card I give to you, Dean. I hope you don’t burn it out of shame and can at least remember me for your brother and not the bastard who let you down again. The laptop is yours and in my coat I left instructions on how to clean it the next time you freeze it on some porn site. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell Jodi what happened so she’ll know not to expect to see me again. I’m glad you were my brother and no matter what happened between us these past few years…I never stopped looking up to you. Take care. Love, Sam_.’”

Wiping his face with a shaky hand, Dean was only barely aware of what he was tossing into the Impala even as he was locking the cabin behind him, getting behind the wheel to start the ignition. “Damn it, Sammy,” he slammed the heel of his hand against the wheel while spinning out in his haste to get back to the road while estimating how much time Sam had on him and if he could get to Texas before this mistake cost him everything.

“I am so kicking your ass when I find you,” Dean could only hope his brother was still in any shape to have his ass kicked and prayed that maybe the woman could distract Sam long enough to buy him the time to catch up and then his little brother and he were going to have one helluva talk about a lot of things even if the hunter had no clue how he’d handle the one side of the confession and knew that was probably what had driven his brother to the brink of self-destruction. “Hang on Sammy. I’m not losing you over my own stupid temper or something you were too scared to tell me.”

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

** Kermit, Texas: 45 Hours Later: **

“Sam! Sammy, open your eyes and look at me! **_Sammy_**!”

Maybe it was the actual stricken with panic tone coloring the deeper than usual gruff and gravelly voice that tugged Sam Winchester’s fading consciousness back from where it was trying to slip off to.

Or it could’ve been the feel of the tight grip encasing his limp hand since it had been well over a year since he’d felt any type of touch from his brother that didn’t usually involve a fist or a shove. To feel Dean’s hand gripping his while also feeling the touch of shaking fingers pushing at the limp hair that had fallen into his face and Sam nearly fought to do what his brother was ordering him to do.

Listening to the ragged voice shouting for him along with a softer voice, Amelia’s, in the fading background as Sam’s already drifting consciousness slipped into the waiting and once welcome darkness, the younger man was trying to remember what was happening and why Dean sounded so upset.

His brother hadn’t had an actual tone of caring in his voice since he returned from Purgatory and learned that Sam had given up hunting; jumping to the conclusion as to why and with that Sam had a rush of memory and he recalled where he was and why.

He recalled why he was feeling like he had a couple times before but he couldn’t figure out why Dean was with him or why his brother would be sounding like he was freaked out over Sam’s decision to put an end to the strain between them and his own dark thoughts by taking his own life.

Sam barely recalled coming to Kermit, Texas to say his goodbye to Amelia and to take the bottle of pills he’d been innocently supplied with but he also knew he’d left his brother a recorded confession of not only why he’d dropped out of hunting but also the one secret that Sam had always known he’d only admit to if he was dying.

Confessing that he’d been so messed up and strung out from exhaustion after hunting any plausible and a couple not-so plausible ways to find and rescue his brother that he’d run afoul of some other hunters who in the end had nearly killed him was one thing because Sam had been trained by the best hunter he knew and should’ve been able to avoid such an act.

His brother had trained him and to Sam that was the level of courage and excellency in hunting that he still strived inwardly to reach.

To admit that once again he’d been jumped by non-monsters and almost killed was not something he’d wanted to tell Dean but he had since he knew if he was going to end it all then he wanted his brother to know the truth finally.

Though that wasn’t the worst part of the confession and that was what was confusing him now. Sam knew Dean hated him before and so hadn’t been expecting to hear his brother’s voice again much less feel him after he’d admitted his long buried feeling and secret.

Dean was as straight as the day was long Sam knew well and so knew the second his brother got to the part of the recorded confession where he admitted to loving and wanting him in a way that so passed any legal, moral, or ethical brotherly boundaries that any leftover need to look after Sam would be wiped away.

Sam accepted that, he’d accepted in his own mind that Dean would wipe him out of his life and probably wouldn’t even give a damn if he died so as he blearily tried to reach for his brother now, the younger man’s fading thoughts remembered the events leading up to where he was now…

** Flashback, 45 Hours Earlier, Kermit, Texas: **

“Oh my God! Sam, what’ve you done?” Amelia Richardson had known just by the slurred and too soft tone when Sam called her at work that something was wrong; she just hadn’t expected to see how wrong. “How many?”

Waving a hand at the question Sam started to push to his feet only to fall back to the sofa with a slightly surprised grunt. “Ummm, two,” he had to think but knew he’d only taken two of the high strength sleeping pills about forty-five minutes ago. “Easing…into it.”

“Easing into it? Easing into what?” Amelia demanded as she dropped her purse and jacket by the door to hurry over to the sofa while taking in the state of the room and Sam.

This was the same room Sam had rented before when he was in Kermit before he was shot and the loss of his brother on top of nearly dying had almost destroyed him and she’d made the choice to rent the house for them in the hopes of offering some stability.

She’d always known the desire and depression was there in Sam. She’d seen it multiple times when she’d leave for work with the silent concern if Sam would still be alive when she got home.

Other people who’d come to know them credited Amelia for helping Sam over the hurdles of healing but the dark curly haired young woman knew the truth. It hadn’t been her that had kept Sam alive but his still constant belief that his brother would return.

When Sam had decided to leave after her husband’s return, she’d been worried about him. The last time they’d seen one another only a week ago she’d recognized the signs again and she knew that despite having his brother back, something she still wasn’t clear on, the reunion must not be going the way Sam had planned.

“Sam, did you drink this on top of taking the pills?” Amelia eyed the half empty whiskey bottle while also taking in the untouched food that had been set out on the coffee table. “Expecting someone other than me?” she asked since in their time together she couldn’t recall seeing Sam eat burgers much less a double bacon cheeseburger with extra onion.

Cloudy hazel eyes slid to the food as Sam rubbed a hand over them as they started to tear up. “Nope. Just though I’d share a last meal with him,” he replied in a tone that reminded the vet of how he’d been shortly after being released from the hospital.

A piece of Sam had often reminded Amelia almost like a lost puppy. Tonight as she took in the huge sad eyes, the way his long dark hair seemed to fall into his too pale face and realized he was shaking slightly it was hard not to reach out to cuddle him.

But Amelia knew it wasn’t her arms that Sam needed to feel. “What happened, Sam?” she asked, going to move both the bottle of whiskey and the rest of the pills out of reach only to have Sam move faster than she expected to snatch both while curling more into the corner of the sofa. “When you were here last week, when I said you could stay if you wanted to you said no. You said your brother was back. Why are you trying to hurt yourself if he’s back?”

Sam smoothed a finger down the neck of the bottle before taking another sip, no longer feeling the burn of the liquor like he usually did.

He wasn’t a drinker like his dad and brother but now as Sam thought about it he wasn’t much of anything compared to them either. “Cause I don’ wanna watch Dean walk away,” he murmured, staring at the untouched food he’d bought like he always would for him and Dean, a little surprised at how fast just a few pills were working and fighting back the urge to panic. “I didn’t tell him why I stopped…stopped lookin’ for him and it’s never been big in my family if you couldn’t…take care of yourself.”

“Some asshole shot you three times, Sam! You nearly died!” Amelia shot to her feet in disbelief, raking her fingers back through her hair. “I think that deserves some leeway in the understanding department,” she reached out to touch his face only to have Sam pull back like he almost always had done. “What does he think you did?”

“Hit a dog, met a girl and settled down to normal,” Sam recited the hurtful words with a bitter smile, laying his head back to stare at the ceiling while almost believing he could hear the familiar engine of the first real home he’d ever known and would miss. “We’ve done a lotta stuff to hurt one another in the last few years but…to not look, to leave him for dead…he hates me and once he hears…what I left him, when he learns how big a freak I really am…he’d either walk out or…hurt…”

“That what you seriously think, Sammy?”

Both Sam and Amelia’s heads jerked toward the unexpected gruff voice and both had very different reactions to the rugged looking man leaning the now open door with glittering green eyes locked on his younger brother.

“You seriously think that after everything we’ve been through, after all the crap that’s come our way that I’d ever seriously turn on you like that? You think anything you ever said to me about anything would make me hate you enough to either finally walk out the door or hurt you?” Dean asked tightly, the woman’s presence barely registering as he took in his brother. “We’re brothers, dude.”

Sam went to stand up only to get off balance as his legs went to jelly and he started to fall, dropping the whiskey in a weak attempt to halt his fall but felt the sharp pain go up his arm from his hand as sharp broken glass cut him.

“Sam!” Amelia went to turn to help him only to find the stranger, who seemed to be a few inches shorter than Sam with shorter lighter hair, already across the room to drop to his knees beside the younger man. “He took pills and drank whiskey. He needs a hospital or…”

“No!” two voices cut off that suggestion even as Dean’s whole focus was now on the shaking young man on the floor between the sofa and coffee table.

Taking the cut and bleeding hand to see how bad it was, Dean winced at the jagged pieces of glass he could see embedded in soft flesh. “You do know that once you come down from this or wake up and stop puking up the Jack you’ve drank that I am so kicking your ass for pulling this stunt, little brother,” he muttered, grabbing a handful of napkins to press into the palm after removing the glass with quick but gentle movements. “Sam, stop.”

The warning was due to the fact that Sam was vainly struggling to put some distance between them, his already huge and shock and too many pills and alcohol eyes wide with fear as if expecting a fist or other blow to come.

“You’re his brother,” Amelia realized numbly, not sure what she was expecting after all that Sam had said.

“Christo,” Sam mumbled, eyeing his brother from under bangs and lashes but wasn’t sure what to think when green eyes just slid back to him with a brief look of amusement before it left for a much grimmer look. “You…here?”

Muttering under his breath about ganking the bastard who’d given Sam the damn pills to begin with, Dean sighed before managing to get his brother back up on the sofa with only a little trouble; which actually worried him more than if Sam had fought him.

Normally when sick or in shock Sam was dead weight. Tonight he was flipping between wanting to jerk away in fear and clinging.

“Yeah, I’m here and yes, I’m his brother,” he answered both Sam and Amelia while managing to tilt Sam’s head back to show him the too wide and blown eyes while still applying pressure to the bleeding hand. “You the vet?”

“She’s…A.mel..ia,” Sam sounded the name out carefully as if wanting to make sure Dean understood him before trying to shift around his brother to stare up at her with those same puppy eyes that had drawn her to him in the first place when she watched him with Riot. “This is…De’n,” he seemed to sound the name to himself before suddenly smiling a little too brightly. “De,” he repeated the much shortened nickname that he had first used non-stop when first learning to speak. “De. De.”

One eyebrow lifting, Dean stuck his tongue in his cheek to keep from growling or chuckling even though he knew this situation was far from amusing when he finally got a look at the pills his brother had taken. “Sam, who gave you these?” he demanded, stuffing the bottle into his jeans for disposal later on. “God, some days I regret ever teaching him to talk. Sammy! Eyes on me, little brother.”

Amelia nearly stepped in to say that if he gave a damn about Sam than his brother wouldn’t be in the middle of committing suicide but something about how the other man sat now beside Sam to apply pressure to slow the bleeding hand while keeping his other hand on the side of his brother’s neck kept her silent.

“How’d…you find me?” Sam wanted to know, shivering as his eyes wanted to close but the stern insistence in Dean’s voice made him try to keep them on his brother as Dean took the towel Amelia handed him to begin to wipe the blood off to see if his hand would need stitches. “You really real, De?” he needed to know, frowning at the firm grip of fingers on the back of his neck…like his brother would always do when offering support.

“Yeah Sammy, I’m really real and you need to tell me how many you took and how long ago you took ‘em,” Dean could feel the pulse in Sam’s neck begin to go from strong if a bit erratic to slower and more erratic and he knew he needed to keep his brother talking. “Hey, focus on me and let’s get some coffee into you.”

Even as Amelia was taking the hint to go find coffee, Dean was pulling Sam to his feet to try to get him over to the sole queen size bed in the room. “You’re gonna sit here and drink strong coffee while I see if this hand needs more than a few stitches,” he could see that it needed a few but was hoping no glass had cut deep enough to hit a nerve.

“Dying,” Sam muttered, watching with hazy eyes as Dean’s fingers wiped the blood away and he shivered, not certain if it was due to the fact that his body wanted to give in to the pills or the light touch. “Why…why you here?”

“You are dropping way too many words there, college boy,” Dean returned, satisfied that the bleeding was slowing down but not satisfied with the way Sam was looking. “Why’d you do this, Sammy?” he finally asked with tired sigh.

Dean had driven straight from Montana to Texas with only one break for gas. He was exhausted but after seeing Sam relieved that he hadn’t stopped for longer. “You really thought I’d rather have Benny beside me than you?”

“You…kinda made that clear,” Sam yawned, trying to turn away from both Dean and the coffee but felt strong hands gripping his shoulders to keep him facing forward. “You said…”

“Yeah, I’ve been raw, hurt, and a damn cold ass bastard since I got back from…” Dean glanced to where Amelia stood and decided it might be best to watch what was said in case the lady he’d been tossing in his brother’s face didn’t know what they did. “Since I got back and yeah, I’ve said more than a few things to you that it looks like I shouldn’t have but riddle me this, boy wonder…did you ever mean all the stuff you’ve said to me?”

Blinking at him through heavy eyes, Sam would’ve shot a bitch-face if it didn’t seem like his body was giving up on him.

“No,” he whispered or thought he did, feeling Dean’s fingers on his face. “Not…good enough to be…”

“If you finish that thought I will so kick your ass the second you’re awake and healthy again,” Dean growled, catching his younger brother when Sam suddenly fell over against him and felt the panic building at how cold Sam felt and how shallow his breathing seemed suddenly. “Sam! Did you just take two of these?” he demanded, knowing the pills, no matter the strength, shouldn’t be affecting his brother like this yet…then he remembered the whiskey and twisted to shoot the woman a look. “How much did he drink?”

“The bottle was half empty when I got here but I don’t know if he had more than that before getting here or…” she looked around the room to see if there were any more bottles.

Dean swore under his breath, slipping both hands onto his brother’s neck to lift it even as Sam’s body was going limp. “Sam, don’t you do this. You are not a coward and whatever you think I’ll hate you for…I swear I won’t but we need to talk about it,”

“You…didn’t listen to the…” Sam’s voice trailed off and it became harder to stay awake when he felt Dean’s fingers shake when they touched his face carefully, almost tenderly; forcing his heavy-lidded eyes to open to blearily notice something new enter into his brother’s usually cold and hard eyes. “Sick,” he mumbled, having a hard time even understanding himself so Sam couldn’t be sure if Dean could. “Hate me more if you’d heard…”

“I did listen to what you said on the laptop, Sammy,” Dean broke in quietly, trying to hold onto the gaze but knew he was close, too close, to losing the one thing that had made him fight to survive Purgatory in the first damn place. “You need to fight against this, little brother. You don’t want to die like this. Not now…not when I think there’s a lot that you and I need to talk about.”

Sam swallowed the lump that had formed at the change in tone. This was the first time in months that he’d heard an actual tone, one that wasn’t anger or hate, in Dean’s voice and for a moment the fear of what he’d done began to overtake him as things began to fade to black and only the fear he heard in his brother’s voice kept pulling him back.

** Present Time: **

“We should call 911,” Amelia was so close to doing just that, not understanding why Sam’s brother wouldn’t have instantly seen how much Sam needed it. “He’s dying!”

“No, he’s not,” Dean gritted, refusing to accept that option even as he could feel Sam’s grip on his wrist getting weaker. “Sammy! I need you to listen to me and I need to you reach for me,” he fought to ignore the woman to focus on his brother.

Ever since the day they were reunited at Rufus’s cabin, Dean allowed himself to really look and he could see how much his hate and bitterness, the guilt he’d laid on Sam had hurt the brother that he’d protected and raised nearly all his life.

“I heard everything you said on your laptop…which is still in one piece by the way, and I’m sorry you felt that you couldn’t tell me that you’d been hurt, more than once. I’m sorry I blamed you for leaving me to die because in my heart I knew that you hadn’t but I was so damn raw that shutting you out, keeping you away was easier than having to face you with the nightmare that I’d left behind or what that place did to me,” using a rag drenched in ice water to bathe Sam’s face in the hopes of bringing him around enough to keep him alive until the alcohol and pills could leave his system, Dean knew he was shaking the longer it went with no response.

“I can’t take back the last few months. I can’t take back the hateful things I’ve said either over Benny or accusing you of leaving me for the vet and I can’t take back that fact that you felt the only way out was to do the one thing I swore that you’d never feel the need to do again,” taking the limp hand that wasn’t laying over his wrist, Dean closed Sam’s fingers around the amulet he wore again.

“I thought the worst mistake I’d ever made was the day I tossed this away and finished breaking us; when I gave the Angels what they wanted but I was wrong, Sammy,” he leaned closer to try to see any movement behind long lashes, feeling the wetness on his face but not giving a damn as a single tear fell to hit Sam’s still face. “The worst mistake I’ve ever made is not seeing how far down I’d pushed you until I’m sitting here watching you slip away from me and not knowing how to pull you back.”

Turning the hand over that Sam’s limp fingers had been laying over so he could grasp them tighter in his, Dean closed his eyes and made a choice. “Okay, little brother, one more time of dropping the chick flick rule and hoping that you’re still in there enough to hear me say that…I love you.

“I have loved you from the first time I felt you kick. I loved you from the time Mom and Dad brought you home even though I didn’t get a full night’s sleep since. I have loved you through all the tantrums and fights you and Dad would have and no matter how this plays out…I will love you until I’m dead; which may not be much longer if you don’t open those big puppy dog eyes,” he swallowed hard as he fought to say what he’d been struggling with since getting hit in the gut with that announcement.

“I know you’re afraid I’ll hate you for what else you said or maybe that’s what you’re afraid I’ll hurt you over. I can’t say that it wasn’t a shock to hear because it was…and I don’t know yet how I feel about it because I’ve worked damn hard for more years than you need to know to make certain I never looked at you in any other way than my brother,” Dean thought he caught a flicker of movement from under closed lids but excused it as wishful thinking when Sam made no other move to wake up or even move a finger.

“He loves you,” Amelia was in tears as she listened from where she stood on the other side of the room. Her belief that Sam’s brother was cold and unfeeling to have allowed him to do this had changed as she watched another side slowly come to light. “When we first met, even before he was shot, we had sex maybe once but I think I was the only one who enjoyed it. Sam did it because I think he believed he should…but afterward when I found him in the bathroom pleading with anyone who would listen to let you come back he told me the truth.

“Sam knows you could never love him like that because as he says you’re as straight as the day is long but no matter how hard he’d tried you’re who he always wants normal with,” she took a step but stopped when those tight shoulders seemed to tense even more. “Please don’t let him go thinking he’s something bad or wrong. I can’t say I understand it. I know you’re brothers but…there’s so much more between you two it seems.”

Dean’s smile was tight as he looked back at the woman with open but unshed tears in his eyes while squeezing Sam’s hands like he had so many times when his brother was sick or that time after his soul was restored and he worried if his little brother would wake up at all.

“More than you need to know,” he admitted with a sigh. “Sam’s life has sucked since he was a baby and I did what I could to shield him from all the craziness. There were times when I was mother, father, big brother and anything else Sammy needed me to be. It’s been a long time since I’ve let him open up emotionally because I knew that if I did, there’d be no way to shut everything back off that I’ve buried for five years but…” he shifted so his gaze was once again on Sam’s face.

“I don’t know what to say right now or what to do but what you feel, no matter what some people might think or say if they knew, doesn’t make you bad or sick or perverted, Sammy. It makes you…you. It still makes you my little brother and…” Dean took a shaky breath while debating with himself over this one. “It also makes you the one person that I’d be willing to trust enough, that I love enough, to see where something more than being brothers could go…if you believe in me enough to come back now.”

Holding his breath as if willing Sam’s breathing to become stronger, Dean slowly was easing a hand away to brush limp bangs back when the hand he’d placed around the amulet suddenly closed around it on its own and he finally saw the first real flicker from under Sam’s eyes.

“Sammy?” he had to try twice to get the name out, squeezing his brother’s hand more to reassure Sam that he was still there. “You coming back to me, baby boy?”

The nickname that Sam had hated with a vicious passion when their Dad would use it but merely smiled shyly the few times when Dean would call him by it slipped out unknowingly but it was that small thing that Sam heard along with the depth on emotion in his brother’s voice that finally allowed him to break through the heavy fog still in his brain to reach and reach until…

“…De’n…”

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

“And what part of giving Sam, who was already hurt, lost, confused, and spiraling downward, a bottle of heavy duty sleeping pills makes sense to you, Jeff?” Dean Winchester would have slammed his head into a wall if he hadn’t already done that several times in the week since returning from Texas. “He said he couldn’t sleep? Of course he wasn’t sleeping! Some assholes had already tried to kill him twice!”

Pacing the porch of the small rustic cabin while maintain both a sharp eye and eye out for any noise from inside that would tell him that his brother was awake and moving, the hunter wondered if the older man on the phone was finally losing his mind.

Jefferson had been a long-time friend and ally of the Winchesters and while not as close to Dean or Sam as either Bobby Singer or Jim Murphy the man, in Dean’s opinion, still should’ve known not to have done what he did.

Ever since Sam had responded to his voice back in Texas to show an effort in wanting to live, Dean hadn’t been that far away.

The combo of pills and whiskey had succeeded in knocking Sam out for more than a day and then he spent another two in bed throwing up the rest of it and whatever else Dean managed to get down him. By the middle of the fourth day, Dean woke up from a brief five-minute nap to find Sam had curled against him with his arm tossed bonelessly over his stomach; like he would as a kid and relaxed.

Amelia had dropped by a few more times until finally she seemed satisfied that Sam was in good hands and left after telling Sam to just take things slow.

Because he wanted to wait until Sam was fully awake and stronger again, Dean had put off any serious discussions even though he could tell Sam was getting edgy waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On the drive back to Montana, Dean did broach the topic about Sam being attacked to just make sure they were clear on the topic that he wanted names for future payback.

For Sam’s part, it seemed like he still wasn’t sure what Dean was doing because he knew how his brother should’ve been reacting and this strange calmness wasn’t it.

After weeks of stress and fighting, Sam’s body was still recovering from the attempt to kill himself and slept a good bit. When he wasn’t sleeping, he browsed the laptop for possible cases; which Dean mostly shot down until Sam was better fully or they watched TV together.

Neither one had approached the other part of Sam’s confession yet, of which Dean was a little surprised since it was clear that Sam was dying to say something or ask something but was holding back and Dean suspected that was out of fear of starting a fight.

Dean had used the quiet time to think more on things. It still felt a little odd to him. Not the admission really since he’d been ignoring the odd looks, smart remarks and little smirks from people for years when it came to him and Sam.

The other night after Sam had fallen to sleep on the sofa, using Dean’s shoulder for a pillow, the older Winchester had allowed himself to think back to the first time someone had made an odd comment about them.

Sam had been seventeen or so and had just fully grown into his height when they’d stopped at a diner to wait for their Dad to join them and some smartass at the counter made a comment toward Sam lewd enough to make Dean jerk him halfway across with the promise of putting the napkin dispenser someplace not so nice.

He knew their resemblance as brothers wasn’t easily seen but he also hadn’t given it much thought to how other people looked at him or what they might see until it kept happening…and until the night Dean began to wonder too much about Sam in a way that wasn’t so brotherly.

Growing up so closely Dean had just gotten used to being in each other’s pocket so to speak and had learned to ignore the tiny little trickles of something not brotherly when he’d see Sam after or before a shower or when they’d spar and he’d get his little brother on the ground under him.

Dean had spent one long night in a bar convincing himself he needed more females in his life and less time cooped up with Sam. Of course, he hadn’t been expecting to get punched in the face when he drunkenly told his little brother of this choice and he hadn’t expected the pain that hit him in his heart when Sam stared at him with those big tear soaked eyes to ask what he’d done wrong.

Not wanting to explain how wrong he was or scare his brother, Dean had made some excuse up and let it drop. He never bothered to look too long or hard at Sam anymore even when he swore there had been times his little brother had done everything in his power to get him to notice him.

He’d learned how to shrug off the comments when they rented one room, he always made sure to establish early on when they went to bars that they were brothers even if he might growl a little if someone, be it man or woman, got too close to his brother.

Now he was having to rethink all of that as he mentally replayed Sam’s words in his head. Sam had always been the more open emotionally one of them and while Dean had learned to hide his, with Sam it was different and it always had been.

Sure, he might say things like he should or open up like he might have once before his return from Hell but the physical touches that Dean had learned early on his brother needed if only for emotional support or to just let him know that he wasn’t alone had still been there…until he came back from Purgatory.

Purgatory had changed Dean in a lot of ways that he hadn’t wanted Sam to know about. The fighting and killing to survive, the coldness were one things but it was also what he woke up one morning wanting that both scared and sickened him because he thought he’d put the lust and desire behind him when he was twenty-one.

Dean had hoped the need to touch, to taste would disappear if he returned but the first night back it hadn’t only been nightmares of that hellish place that had sent him into a locked bathroom but the urge to wake his restless little brother up in a way that Dean had known would have sent Sam running back to wherever he’d been.

The need to keep Sam safe from him, from the confusion that was driving Dean nuts had also been another reason he’d shoved his brother away so much. Now, knowing that Sam had been hiding similar feeling left Dean unsure of exactly what he should do.

He knew Sam believed he’d hate him or be disgusted and he also figured that was Sam seemed to be trying to avoid him these past few days.

Right then he’d decided to give Sam space to wake up and see if he’d search him out while he called Jefferson to yell at him because Dean had not been pleased to learn where Sam had gotten the pills from while he was still in Purgatory.

“You knew I was missing. You knew he was on his own and driving himself into the ground trying to find me. You know how Sam is when he’s alone. You should’ve taken one look at that kid and knew he was a walking, talking danger sign for self-destruction and…” Dean paused when he heard his name called hesitantly. “Be in in a second,” he yelled back, pausing for a second before adding. “Don’t go grabbing any junk food either.”

The man on the phone commented something and Dean rolled his eyes. “Yes, I am well aware that I sound like Pastor Jim and I’m half tempted to raise Jim’s spirit just to send him to your door for giving Sam that crap, Jeff!” he growled, watching his brother from the window to take in the slight shake and knew it was time he got off the phone. “Gotta go. Just be damn glad I pulled him back or you would’ve had me on your damn door and that still ain’t something you want!”

Pocketing his phone, Dean stepped back inside the cabin to shed his jacket while seeing that this time Sam hadn’t woken up looking rested. In fact, if he had to hazard a guess he’d say his little brother had a hell of a nightmare or something to have him looking this spooked and uneasy; something he hadn’t been since waking up fully to realize Dean had followed him to Texas and was still with him.

“What’s up?” he asked after locking the door and rechecking the salt lines and sigils to see that Sam had finally sat down on the edge of the sofa but looked to be close to rocking himself like he had only when he was freaked out and trying not to show it. “Nightmare or…”

“Why’re we doing this?” Sam suddenly asked, not looking at Dean though as he forced his eyes to stay on anything else but his brother’s green eyes.

“Talking? We’re talking so I can try to find out what’s got you looking so spooked,” Dean replied with a put on easiness since the tone alone told him that talking about things was no longer an option and it was time to play whatever cards he’d just dealt himself.

“Why are you still here, Dean?” Sam sounded tense, wary but still there was a small amount of hope showing in his eyes when he finally lifted them to meet his brother’s. “When’re you going to stop pretending that you’re still here, that you did what you did in Texas only because you had to? When are you going to finally stop pretending that what I said isn’t what’s making you avoid me?”

“You used me for a pillow the other night, Sam. How is that avoiding you?” Dean countered though he guessed he could see how Sam would think so.

He had kept the topics far away from what Sam had admitted to and he hadn’t been as close as he usually would have but there had been reasons for that except his little brother’s head still was locked on the darker thoughts.

“‘ _Look after Sammy_ ,’” Sam repeated the long ago ingrained rule John Winchester had instilled in his oldest son with a bitter smirk. “Can you look at me now and tell me that everything you said, everything I think I heard you say wasn’t just because you’re still holding onto that?

“Can you look at me now that I’m fully awake and clear headed to say that the reason I wake up in the bedroom alone or even when I fall to sleep during the day on the sofa and you’re as far away from me as possible when I wake up isn’t because you can’t stand to be close to me now that you know I said I…I…” Sam’s words softened as he drew off, eyes dropping to his wrist to nearly touch the black bracelet that he’d woken up to find back on.

Debating on grabbing two beers, Dean shrugged that thought off since he’d kept Sam away from anything alcoholic. “Why did you reach out to me and fight to come back from those few pills and the whiskey if you still think I only came for you out of duty and obligation?” he asked calmly, also knowing his calmness was probably adding to Sam’s stress because Dean had never been the calm one.

“Cause I wanted to believe they were the truth,” Sam whispered, not sure why he was pushing for this except the harsh nightmare of Dean turning on him finally seemed to have been too much and he didn’t want to wait for nightmare to become reality. “I wanted to believe that if you had listened to what I said and still came, that you still wanted to save me from myself regardless of knowing how sick I am in the head and basically how useless I am as a…”

A hand gripping the back of his neck firmly shut him up and Sam fought the urge to tense at the touch when it used to comfort him. Of course he also remembered it as a good way to shut him up too.

“Okay, first…you wake up alone either in the bedroom or on the sofa because usually I’m trying not to burn breakfast, avoid calls from Garth or just not go stir crazy in this place,” Dean began seriously, squeezing a bit more but kept his hold light enough to not hurt Sam when he slowly allowed his fingers to relax and spread out while he moved around to sit on the sofa. “There is another reason but I’ll get to that after we clear up a couple other little misconceptions you seem to have.

“You’re not useless as anything. You did the best you could to find me considering we knew jack squat about Purgatory and you weren’t even sure that’s where Cas I and vanished to,” he used his hold on Sam’s neck to get his brother to sit back more, fingers soothing the knots he could feel in Sam’s neck but guessed when it began to hit Sam that this was a totally different type of touch compared to before. “You should’ve told me sooner what happened to you but…I shouldn’t have jumped on you like I did either.”

Sam’s breath had caught at the quiet tone and the words but then when he felt the touch change subtly into something more than just the usual touch of support or comfort he wasn’t sure if he should move or risk staying still. “I…let you…”

“Yeah, you let me believe what I accused you of but I guess considering the bastard I’ve been acting like I can’t blame you for that but…” Dean shifted his other hand to lift the drooping chin so their eyes could meet. “You do know that if I had known about what happened to you, both in Sioux Falls and then in Texas, I would’ve cared and someone would’ve bled, don’t you?”

“I’ve failed and let you down so many times. Why would you…God,” Sam bit his lip until he was certain it would bleed when he felt long fingers that he was so accustomed to slip down his neck more to rub the tension away.

Normally the little touches soothed any worries and concerns Sam had away but this time as he slowly began to realize his brother was touching him a little more and also seemed to be testing to see how to touch him that another kind of strain hit him and it was taking a lot of effort not to squirm.

“Because you are my little brother and how many times have I let you down, Sammy?” Dean asked, watching Sam closely and not missing the way he was starting to relax into the touch. He also didn’t miss the quiet little sounds his brother was trying to hide as he rubbed down the back of his neck and suddenly wished the cabin was warmer so he’d have a better excuse to get Sam to lose the shirt.

The thought came from nowhere but once there it was hard to banish and Dean began to relax a little more himself, thinking that maybe giving Sam what he wanted might not be as hard or awkward as he’d been afraid of.

“How many times since we were kids did you count on me for something and I ended up letting you down?” he asked, easing away briefly to go toss another couple logs on the fire that he kept burning in the fireplace; mentally using the cabin’s dampness as his excuse for wanting to warm it up more. “How many times since we started hunting together again have I let you down?”

“You’ve never let me down, Dean,” Sam argued, a little surprised at both the questions and at the loss he felt when Dean moved to the fireplace. “Those times during the whole mess with Ruby or the Apocalypse, I brought on myself…”

“I let too much crap come between us and I let myself get too burned out that I didn’t see the danger you were in or I wouldn’t have pushed you so much,” Dean returned to sit, hiding his smile when Sam relaxed again as soon as his hand went back to his neck but this time slide it across to rest on his shoulder. “Why’d you keep this?”

Seeing Dean’s fingers brush over the amulet he wore made Sam blink because it was the feel of the amulet as well as the depth of emotion from Dean that had made him fight not to die and he itched to touch it again just to verify he wasn’t dreaming all of this.

“Because it was yours and I hoped you’d want it back one day,” he shrugged, not certain if he was suddenly feeling warmer due to the increased fire across from them or from the casual fingers moving against his shoulder. “I’d kept it after you dropped it and I’m still not sure how I had it when Cas pulled me from the Cage because I’d buried it in my duffel…which you had but…even soulless I still carried it in my pocket and would find myself holding it on those times when things with the Campbells made me feel more off than I already knew I was. You’re wearing it.”

“The second worst thing I’ve ever done is the day when I tossed this away and I’ll admit that a lot of weight seemed to go away when I put it back on,” Dean admitted, moving his other hand so the glow of the fire could shine on the silver ring that he’d also started to wear again and ached a little at the look of pure relief he could see shining in Sam’s eyes when he saw it. “The worst thing was ever saying the crap I have to you lately because no one could ever hope to be a better brother to me than the one I’ve always had and I never want you to think otherwise.”

“Dean…” Sam had to think fast to bite back the soft sound that almost came when his brother moved his hand back to his neck to run a casual finger down as if looking for a pulse. “You…you know what else…I said. You know that I said I…God, if I’m dreaming this is almost as bad as what woke me up,” he whispered more to himself but almost jumped at the low chuckle. “Christo.”

The light slap to the back of Sam’s head was playful as Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m not possessed and why do you think you’re dreaming?” he suspected he knew but it at least confirmed that a nightmare was what had started this.

“You’re either possessed or not you or I’m dreaming because you are not acting like you should be considering things,” Sam replied, now certain he was too hot but didn’t have the strength or desire to move away as he shifted on the couch so he could see Dean better as he repeated the Latin word for God again but frowned when only clear green eyes stared back at him. “Dean…I guess I can take your anger considering what I dropped on you but please…just yell or whatever you’re going to do because the not knowing when you’re going to snap on me is worse than knowing you will.”

Moving his hand away from Sam’s neck, Dean didn’t miss the slight change in his brother or the tiny furrow in his brow or the quickly hidden disappointment but instead of leaving the sofa or backing away as Sam might have thought he was going to do Dean just let his hand move down to Sam’s wrist. “Look at me. Sam, look at me,” he paused when Sam shook his head in refusal and took a leap by his next choice. “Baby boy, it’s been a long time since you were even afraid to meet my eyes.”

Sam’s head snapped up at the nickname he thought his brother had used in Texas but hadn’t heard since, breath catching again. “You…you called me that down in Kermit too. Why?”

“Not sure. It just feels right and it’ll always just be between the two of us when we’re alone…if you’ll let me use it,” Dean replied, clasping the clenching fist in his own hand to keep Sam still. “Sam, do you remember hearing everything I said to you down there or did it just come in hits and misses?” he asked, needing to know if his brother might have missed some of it.

“I…I know what I thought I heard but…damn, it’s hot in here now,” he needed to look away as those deep green eyes he’d grown up looking into seemed to grow even more intense and it was getting harder not to let himself hope or let his body respond. “It’s…hard to breathe or…crap…”

Dean’s hands were on both sides of Sam’s neck the second he saw the first signs of a rare panic attack surface, easing his brother back more until his head laid on the arm of the sofa. “Hey, take slow breaths for me and calm down. Focus on me. Just breathe, Sammy,” he urged quietly, leaving one hand on Sam’s neck while placing his other flat in the center of his brother’s chest like he always had when needing a fast way to settle Sam down.

“You’ll be okay as soon as you calm down and listen to me. You’re not dreaming and whatever the hell scared you when you woke up isn’t going to happen. I’m not possessed, I’m not a shapeshifter and I am not going to hurt you or hate you or leave you,” he pressed down against Sam’s chest until he felt some of the tension slowly leaving his brother and Sam’s breathing started to slow back down. “Sorry about the heat. I tossed too much wood on. I can open a window or…” he paused to run his tongue along his teeth. “You could lose the shirt.”

Sam’s eyes that had closed when the cabin began to spin as his breathing got too fast snapped back open, sure he’d see his brother’s smirk or something on his face to show he was joking but when he met steady eyes to slowly realize Dean might not be joking he had to swallow a couple times. “You…”

“I said I wasn’t certain yet what would come of it but I was willing to try for you,” Dean broke in, holding Sam’s gaze with his own as his hand slowly began to rub small circles down the shirt before getting to the end to pause. “Tell me again what you said.”

“Dean, please,” Sam wanted to look away; he wanted to look anywhere but into those eyes that he suspected would turn mocking soon. “Don’t tease or make fun. I shouldn’t have said anything and just left it…” he stopped talking the second he felt his brother’s fingers slip under the hem of his shirt to touch his skin. “Dean?”

“Say it, Sam,” Dean was willing to accept the change or addition in their relationship but he understood that he needed to get Sam to accept and believe he was serious. He also needed to make his brother understand there was nothing for him to be ashamed of. “You kept saying on the recording and down in Texas that I’d hate you for being sick or bad or a pervert. Does this look like I hate you or I plan on walking because you suddenly decided to tell me something you probably should’ve years ago?”

Wondering where in the hell all his saliva had gone when Sam tried to speak and had to swallow several times to find his voice while he watched the outline of Dean’s hand under his shirt slowly move in casual circles back up from his stomach to his chest and he was so close to whimpering it scared him.

It also scared him when he felt another part of him want to respond to the touch and intense look, torn between accepting the touch and refusing to believe this could be real. “You’re…you don’t mean this or you’re…God, please Dean…don’t play around about this. You’re not…”

“You’re not gay either, Sammy,” Dean had spent several days thinking this one through because he knew neither of them were and he’d watched several hours of pure porn just to reassure himself of that fact so he could have an answer to his too bright little brother’s overthinking. “Maybe you weren’t fully in love with Jess but there was something. Just like there was something with Madison and…” he refused to speak the demon bitch’s name and so just skipped over that one.

“I can’t give you answers to why you feel the way you do or if it would’ve happened if we had led normal lives instead of how we did grow up but…I also won’t lie and say that a couple times when you were growing up, sometime after you hit sixteen, that all my thoughts were pure and brotherly because they weren’t but I locked them down in a vault of big brother kryptonite to make sure you were never affected or knew because if I was that messed up I did not want to twist you,” he sighed at the mild bitch face Sam offered, replaying his words and wincing.

“Fine, let me rephrase this before you find a way to twist more,” he took a deep breath, throwing the rule against no chick flick moments into the fire. “I can’t say it’s legal, moral or ethical since what we’re broaching is still illegal in probably at least 90% of the country and the 10% that it might be legal in I usually steer us clear of for all the normal reasons and because rednecks give me the damn creeps ever since that one time.”

The hand on Sam’s neck shifted enough to move up and curve under Sam’s jaw to lift it back so their eyes could meet. “I won’t say that other people will accept it or even understand but…it ain’t anyone else’s business what goes on between you and me, little brother,” Dean could feel the rapid heartbeat under his one hand while he watched with interest the way Sam’s hazel eyes were darkening.

“Did it shock me that I’d been so damn blind to not see it? Yeah, it did but maybe I did see it and I just pushed it away because prime focus has always been to keep you safe and the part of me that does that figures throwing my baby brother on a bed or up against a wall to have wickedly wrong sex with pushed that rule a bit too far. But…” he was quick to lean closer to not only keep Sam still but because he wanted to see the way Sam shivered at the closeness. “But that side is also willing to take a backseat if I can get you to tell me what you want right now.

“Can you look up at me and believe that I’m not leading you on to hurt you? Can you believe that I’m taking you and your confession very damn seriously at this moment? Can you, after all the crap I’ve said, believe me one more time and tell me without any shame what you want, baby boy?” he asked, voice dropping lower while his fingers had slid up over tight muscles to find an already hard nub that he rolled between his fingers to watch Sam’s eyes close with a near silent whisper. “Tell me, Sammy.”

“You,” Sam gasped, no longer caring if he was dreaming or if it turned bad in a heartbeat. Right then he just needed to feel those long calloused fingers touching him like he’d always dreamed of feeling.

Working to get his eyes to open and then focus, he saw with a little start how Dean’s eyes were also glittering with something much darker than he’d ever seen…except for one time when he’d been sixteen. “I…I…” this was the point of no return for both of them and Sam knew it.

He could somehow sense if he said what his brother seemed to want him to, need him to, that there would be no going back for either them and a piece of Sam feared he was somehow trapping Dean into something he didn’t want or couldn’t accept.

“I…Dean, you don’t have to…”

“Tell me what you want right now, Sammy,” Dean urged, seeing the slight fear as Sam’s one hand lifted hesitantly to touch the amulet. “Say it.”

“I want…I need you,” Sam finally murmured, shivering a bit more at the touch on his chest that laid over his heart as he licked his dry lips to speak again with a bit more courage since if this was all going to crash and burn then he might as well go all the way. “Even if I wake up in two minutes, this is more than I’ve ever let myself dream since I was sixteen with raging hormones. I want to feel you touch me, Dean. I…I want you to…”

The last few words were whisper soft as Sam’s cheeks flamed pink and he tried to shift away from his brother’s look only to have Dean’s hand touch his face almost tenderly.

“There it is,” Dean murmured with a small warm honest smile, the one he hardly ever used these days, a second before he made his final choice to cut the distance separating them in a heartbeat; his mouth finding and claiming Sam’s in a slow first kiss.

It was awkward at first as both adjusted to the oddness of the situation but as Sam got past the inner shock that Dean was actually here and actually kissing him in a way that was so much better than his best dreams and he hesitantly opened his lips to the gentle tongue that was flicking over his lips Sam would have sworn he did see lights flashing behind his eyes as he moaned against his brother’s mouth.

“Okay?” Dean asked, voice husky and deep as he broke the kiss only when he realized he needed to breathe but didn’t ease back away from Sam and so was still close enough to feel the little puffs of air against his own lips as Sam fought to breathe.

“Yeah,” Sam assured him, unaware of when he’d relaxed of when his other hand had moved to lay over the one Dean had under his shirt and over his heart. “You?”

“Gotta admit that kissing my brother is still in the weird category but…” Dean placed softer kisses along Sam’s jaw to get a feel for what his brother might like and wasn’t disappointed to learn his often too emotional brother responded to nearly any physical touch. “I think I can learn to handle that,” he felt the shiver from Sam as licked along the shell of his ear. “More?”

Sam wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry as everything seemed to begin to crash in on him at the feel of what was happening but latched on with both hands to Dean’s biceps when he went to move. “God, yes!” he gasped then leaned up to capture his brother’s mouth in another kiss that went from slow and sweet to hot and searing in a heartbeat and he silently hoped he didn’t wake up if this was a dream.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

The need and near desperation was clear but still Sam was leery on touching Dean more than just wrapping a hand around the amulet or laying a hand on his arm to maintain some balance as he worked to sit up only to still when the hand under his shirt moved to urge restraint.

“Easy, tiger,” Dean murmured against his mouth, a little more relaxed now that he knew Sam did seem to still want this and silently impressed with his brother’s kissing ability. “Got all day and night and this isn’t something I plan on rushing my way through. At least not this time.”

Dean’s deeper and huskier tone of voice never failed to heat Sam’s blood but normally he would try to hide its effects, now he didn’t bother to hide it so much even though a part of him expected his brother to pull back eventually.

“What…” Sam started to ask a question only to break off into a groan when Dean angled this kiss a bit more to give his tongue better access to explore the mouth that the younger man opened eagerly. “All those girls in high school that I hated so much when I’d hear them talking about how you kiss were right,” he stated when his brother’s mouth slid across his jaw to begin to trace his ear with little kisses.

“This is a lifetime worth of experience now. Back then I was just good at it,” Dean’s smile was evident in his voice as he finally eased back to take in the swollen lips, flushed face and darkening hazel eyes. “I gotta admit I’m kinda curious where you learned to kiss so well, Sammy.”

Feeling the hand on his neck tug a little, Sam went with it until he was sitting up on the sofa. “Learned from watching you make out with all those girls,” he admitted with a shy smile, fingers itching to touch but still not wanting to push his brother.

A couple times in Stanford before meeting Jessica he’d experimented with a guy but had found it weird and a little unnatural to touch or be touched by another guy. This with Dean however didn’t feel like that and Sam was perfectly at ease and willing to see where his brother would take this. “I don’t really know what to do,” he admitted quietly.

That relieved a little of Dean’s concerns. He knew Sam’s sex life probably was mostly vanilla except for a couple times in which his brother had been hurt and those were times he still tried not to bring back to Sam; another thing that made him very conscious of what they did now.

Dean’s own experience with men and sex was mostly limited to a few blow or hand jobs he’d done as a teenager to get fast cash for rent or food which Sam knew nothing about. What he knew of actual sex was from one time with an adventurous woman and another time that he’d rather not think on or again ever let his brother know about.

“We’ll get there,” he assured his now slightly worried sibling, reading Sam’s concern over his silence as he moved to sit on the coffee table that he pulled closer to the sofa, giving the bottom of Sam’s t-shirt a tug. “Let’s start with getting this off.”

Sam pulled the shirt off in one fluid motion but found it so hard to breathe every time those deep green eyes watched him like they were now that whatever he wanted to say wouldn’t come out. “I…can I touch…?” asking to touch his brother made him falter since the younger man knew Dean had never been as open to touch or emotion his whole life.

However if one thing between them hadn’t changed it was Dean’s uncanny ability to be able to read Sam like a book and guessed what it was his younger brother was trying to ask for but fear of refusal kept him silent. “Fair’s fair,” he decided while removing the long sleeve flannel overshirt before pulling the black t-shirt over his head. “You can touch me if you want, Sammy.”

“Been wanting that for so long, Dean,” Sam murmured, willing his fingers not to shake as he finally reached a hand out to just lightly brush them over the bare skin of Dean’s chest, feeling muscle where others would be surprised to know his brother did have it. “God, this is real, isn’t it?”

“It’s gonna be awhile before I convince you that I’m really willing to do this won’t it?” Dean wasn’t surprised by this since he was surprised at himself that he was handling this as well as he was.

Easing off the coffee table to go to his knees on the floor in front of the sofa, Dean could feel Sam’s eyes watching his every slow move as he leaned up to place a soft kiss over warm and kiss swollen lips while he also pressed his hand over the one Sam had on his chest.

“I won’t say this will be easy and I won’t say what we’ll do this first time since I’m not taking you too far until you can adjust to my touch and vice versa but…” he paused to find the pulse point in Sam’s neck to lock onto with his mouth, suckling and worrying it until he heard the moan of pleasure and want come from his brother. “…I think we’ve been through so damn much that being more, feeling more was just bound to happen one day.

“I never allowed myself to think much on it when the feelings would hit me or when I’d want to drag you out of a bar or someplace when someone started looking at you like I wanted to,” Dean felt the touch on his chest get stronger as Sam got braver, sticking his tongue in his cheek at the look on concentration on his brother’s face since it appeared Sam was overthinking each small touch. “I convinced myself letting you go to college was safe because I wasn’t sure how much longer I would’ve been able to drink the urges away or how many fast one night stands I could’ve handled before something happened.”

Sam was fighting to sit still when his body wanted to arch up under the hand touching his chest or against the mouth that was alternating between licking and kissing slow trails of torment along his neck, behind his ear, down to the hollow of this throat.

It was when Dean’s mouth caught the place between his neck and shoulder between his teeth that Sam’s fingers of the hand not tracing every ridged muscle on Dean’s chest and stomach shot into his brother’s short hair to try to grab onto what he could.

“Dean!” Sam wasn’t sure if it was more complaint than whine when he learned with some disgust that Dean’s hair was too short to get a good enough hold of to urge him to do more.

“Why do you think I keep my hair short, Sammy?” Dean teased, his breath hot against Sam’s skin as he ran his tongue over the hollow of Sam’s throat to both feel and hear the low growl of frustration. “It makes it hard to do something like this.”

Dean’s hand shot up to catch a handful of Sam’s long thick dark hair to give a carefully measured tug, pulling Sam’s head back while leaning up to kiss him hotly. Their tongues meeting but Sam was losing the ability to focus on anything past the touch to his chest and the fingers in the hair pulling it with enough force that he could feel it but it wasn’t what he’d ever call seriously painful.

“I may never bitch about your hair being too long again though,” Dean smirked as he finally found a decent use for his brother’s too long hair especially as it slowly became obvious with each slight pull or when he curved his fingers in it more that his fingertips touched Sam’s scalp and the younger man seemed to move into the touch more that his little brother had a kink for hair pulling. “You like that, baby boy?”

Sam’s senses were going too far into overload to know exactly what he liked but he did know his cock was enjoying the new attention because it was now pushing against his jeans and Sam felt a deeper flush work up his neck the moment Dean’s eyes drifted down to see the obvious bulge in his jeans.

“Well well,” he chuckled slowly, nudging Sam back on the sofa so his shoulder were against the back as he began to slowly use his mouth to kiss a trail down his chest. “Guess you do. Want me to help you out with this little problem, Sammy?” he asked calmly but the teasing was light since it was plain that Dean had a plan of his own that he was going with.

Teasing and dirty talk was second nature to Dean but he was keeping a lot of it in check because he realized deep down this time wasn’t like the fast lays that he’d become accustomed to when he would pick up a woman at a bar.

As he moved back down using both his hands and mouth to soothe and tease he was also realizing with a little surprise that he cared about this first time since in so many ways that was what this thing between him and Sam was and unlike his first time in the backseat of the Impala with some faceless girl he couldn’t even recall now he wanted this to me be more than a fast coupling.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice was ragged from fighting the reactions his body wanted to make but sensed when the change in Dean happened, eyes glassy and dark with desire but still worried. “We can…we can stop if you’re not…I mean…”

Stopping now was no more an option for Dean than not breathing would be. “I’m good, Sammy,” he assured him, fingers brushing over the jumping muscles in Sam’s stomach to remember his little brother had always been a bit ticklish and filed that tidbit away for later but then he popped the button of the jeans and heard Sam’s breathing get more ragged.

“How far do you want to go this time, Sam?” he asked carefully, needing to make certain Sam understood that there would be other times while finding the zipper with steady fingers to slowly ease it down and feeling the dampness on the jeans and felt his own jeans beginning to get to the uncomfortable stage.

Sam’s inexperience was now leaving him a little uncertain and a lot worried but he was afraid to admit his fears out of worry that Dean would pull away and he wasn’t ready to lose what he was feeling. “Whatever you want to do, Dean,” he gasped at the feel of his jeans opening, hips wanting to move at the slight touch of a finger over the material of his boxers. “Please…don’t want to stop yet but…”

“We’re not stopping unless you say, Sam,” Dean assured him, mouth getting dry as he made a sudden choice. “Bedroom,” he murmured, no longer content with the sofa and while he knew what he wasn’t going to do this time he also wanted something better for Sam than just the sofa. “My bedroom.”

Dean’s bedroom had a slightly bigger bed and it also had a fireplace that was still lit to supply a bit of warmth but he suspected they’d be able to supply plenty of heat right then.

Sam swallowed tightly and nearly stumbled in his haste to stand when strong fingers wrapped around his bicep to help him up while the other hand curled around the back of his neck to draw his head back down and into a slow deep kiss that he knew he could die right now and be happy from.

“It’s okay, Sammy,” Dean had felt the slight edge and suspected that regardless of what Sam had dreamed or wanted now that he was close to having it he was scared and while Dean was a little nervous about being able to pull this off well enough to make his brother happy there were two things he was good at: sex and calming Sam down. “I’ve got you and we’ll make this good.”

“You really do want to do this?” Sam asked, shivering when he was pulled against Dean’s hard muscled rugged body and felt the obvious bulge in his jeans that answered him nearly as well as the heated kiss had. “I’m not dreaming, am I?”

Dean laughed as he maneuvered them into his room, shutting the door with his boot and keeping his hands and mouth on Sam while backing his brother back toward the bed. “Finally just figuring that out, Sammy?” he was actually glad he’d made the bed this morning and just knew this new thing between them was going to hurt his image in so many ways.

“Dean…I’ve only…I mean, I don’t know…” Sam felt he should explain or say something to keep things light but all his words dried up at the feel of warm lips kissing him soothingly.

“I know, Sammy,” Dean whispered, needing to give Sam an out of he wanted one. “We stop when you want and we only do what you’re ready for and that won’t be what you’re thinking it will be this first time.”

Sam’s brow creased as he tried to understand that but then was distracted as long fingers began to skim his jeans down his legs. “You want more than this time?” he managed to get out, fighting the sudden embarrassment to be standing naked in front of Dean even though they’d grown up with one another and the boundary lines between them had blurred long ago.

“If we were doing this because of a curse or something and I was still managing to avoid letting myself think of you as anything but my brother then it might’ve just been this one time,” Dean began slowly, thoughtfully as he pressed his fingertips against Sam’s chest to smile as he fell back on the bed; all long limbs, floppy hair and beautiful as he took this in before speaking again. “Now that I know what you’ve wanted all these years, what you want now and that I can work the walls down…yes, I want more than just this one time.”

As Sam scooted back on the bed until he was closer to the headboard his eyes were locked on Dean, those simple words making his now freed cock, which was already heavy and dripping precome from the slit, jump and his heart beat faster. “Did you…back then…”

“More times than I liked to think about,” Dean replied huskily, keeping his jeans on but did pop the button and undo the zipper to relieve some of the tightness as he slowly knelt on the bed to lock eyes with his brother. “Tell me again this is what you want, Sam.”

“I want you, Dean,” Sam replied firmly and could see the flash of lust that passed through Dean’s eyes, spreading his legs more to give his brother room for whatever and only felt a small burst of worry that eased at the gentle hand on his leg. “I know it’ll hurt but…”

Dean knew that too and that was why he planned to work Sam up to that act slowly. His brother had been hurt too many times in his life to be able to just roll over and take a cock in his ass without pain, injury or dark memories coming back and he wouldn’t hurt Sam like that.

“Yeah, it would if we were to do that this time,” Dean admitted, settling on his knees between Sam’s legs to look at what he was being offered and felt an odd tightness in his chest. “We will make love like that soon, Sammy. I promise. But this time, this first time I want you to get used to me, to my touch and I also promise to make it good for you,” he stretched up to kiss his brother softly until Sam moaned against his mouth, feeling shaking fingers against his chest. “Trust me?”

“Always,” Sam knew no matter their issues or his own doubts that in his heart he would always trust his brother and with that trust came the ability to relax and give himself over to whatever Dean would do. “I’m sorry if I worried you. I just didn’t want…mmhm.”

The kiss that cut him off held just enough heat to warn Sam to not go there. “I know why you did it, Sammy. I also know I promised you that you’d never have to feel the need to do it again. We have things to talk about but not right now,” he laid wet kisses down Sam’s chest pausing to use his tongue in a wicked torment against Sam’s navel before continuing lower. “Now I want you to relax and know I’ve got you and we’re going to be good.”

“What’re you…God!” Sam’s head had lifted to follow his brother’s head down his body but it feel back to the pillow as lights seemed to go off behind his eyes at the first feel of fingers on his cock.

Dean’s eyes were a darker green as he watched Sam, loving how just the simplest touches or a kiss to the spot between thigh and pelvic bone met had his brother making noises that he didn’t think he’d ever get tired of knowing he could bring out in him.

“Want to tell me just what you used to dream as a teenager?” he asked while lowering his head to lick up Sam’s thigh, his fingers lightly holding the heavy cock in his palm to feel its weight and was silently impressed with his little brother in all ways.

“I used to…ummm, God you’re good, I used to lay in bed and jerk off while you were in the shower,” he moaned at the stimulation as Dean’s fingers closed loosely around him to begin a slow stroke from base to tip. “I’d try to picture your hand touching me, jerking me off or fingering me and…” he broke off with a gasp.

“Like this?” Dean kept the touch light for the moment when he held the hardening cock in his hand to stroke it as his other hand slid under to take Sam’s balls in his palm to lightly roll them and smiled as Sam’s hips thrust up. “Like feeling my hand on you, little brother? You like feeling my hand jerking you off? You’re going to love what else I plan to do once you get used to me and this.”

The hand stroking his cock was enough to make Sam want to thrust up into the grip but the fingers now teasing his balls made him want to beg for more. “Dean! I…”

Dean could see the strain in Sam after months of stress between them and knew it wouldn’t take much to make his brother come this first time. “You wanna come this soon, Sammy?” he asked lightly, shifting more on the bed so he could do what he wanted but still reach Sam to touch him. “How long has it been?”

“Too long,” Sam admitted on a moan, head snapping back with a shout of Dean’s name as soon as hot lips closed over the head of his cock. “Fuck!”

He’d given a few blowjobs in his life and while they’d never been his favorite to do Dean was actually thinking he might learn to enjoy sucking Sam off as he heard the moans and gasps mixed with little words and pleading.

Also this time was different because he was doing it not because he had to but because he wanted to and it was with someone he…loved.

Lowering his lashes so they covered his eyes a second as that thought hit him fully Dean’s emotions, his last remaining doubts about this fading.

Emotions were never something he was good with. He’d learned to cover and shield his because of how he’d been raised but Sam had always been able to draw them out and it appears as if that was still true.

Sam’s eyes had closed against the heat surrounding his cock as Dean carefully took more of it into his mouth, knowing to relax his throat and began to slide his lips up and down while his fingers gently teased the spot behind the heavy balls.

All of the words Sam could’ve said fled at the first touch behind his balls as it seemed like something opened inside of him leaving him a shivering and shuddering mess that was fighting not to thrust into Dean’s mouth as he sucked him deeply, tongue sliding along the underside until Sam was close to babbling.

“Please…more. Dean. I…yes!” he was biting his lips, fingers twisting in the covers until one hand finally had to move to find his brother’s short hair to tug it as best as he could. “Gonna come soon, Dean.”

Dean knew that by the about of precome now dripping out of the cock in his mouth, tasting the bitter, salty taste and something else that he knew was purely Sam and felt his own cock ache for release; hips rubbing against the bed to find friction as he worked on pleasing his brother.

Managing to dig into a pocket of his jeans, he pulled a small tube out to struggle with the cap before squeezing some gel over his fingers while managing to keep the sucking motion he’d established on the cock that was now fully hard and engorged in his mouth, tongue slipping just in the slit to taste and groaning himself.

“Uhh!” Sam moaned, hips thrusting up only to have his eyes snap back open at the touch of a finger sliding between his legs, under him to slowly find the crease of his ass and the tight puckered hole of his opening. “Dean?”

Unable to speak to soothe the slight fear he heard, Dean merely used his free hand to make an ‘OK’ signal while using his tongue against the cock in his mouth to also calm his brother as he felt the odd touch at the rim of his hole.

Sam concentrated on the bobbing head and the feel of Dean’s tongue licking against his slit, groaning but his legs opened more to allow his brother room as he shifted up a little more which also gave Dean’s searching finger better access as the tip of his lubed finger breached the hole to just lightly run around the rim; giving Sam time to adjust to just this simple feeling.

The last time anyone had touched him back there with his permission, Sam had tensed at the first penetration. The pain had been incredible but as he realized what Dean was doing he felt his body relax and saw the small smile on his brother’s filled mouth; the index finger not inserting any further than the rim.

Understanding that Dean was going slow to give him a chance to adjust to the changes between them and also the new touches made his eyes burn with unshed tears and once again Sam got why his older brother would always be a hero in his eyes.

Of course Sam also understood something else. He was on the verge of coming and Dean’s mouth was still sucking his cock like it was something they’d done every day. Unsure of how his brother would feel about a mouthful of come he managed to find his voice and words.

“Dean…” he moaned again, hips twisting while noticing the way Dean’s own were rubbing on the bed for friction. “Gonna come…I have to come soon but…wanna come with you,” this was important to Sam.

If he couldn’t feel Dean inside him this time then he wanted to at least come together in some way, fingers shaking a little as they touched his brother’s face as Dean’s lifted his head enough to look at him. “Please. I think I know why you don’t want to be in me this time but I want to feel you against me, kissing me, when I come.”

Those words nearly made him come right then as Dean pulled off Sam’s cock with a wet pop to meet the wet eyes that still in the middle of sex could go to puppy dog power and melt his heart.

“Love you, Sammy,” he murmured in a tone that was pure sex, moving up on the bed after removing his finger to stretch out beside his brother; seeing the surprise in those eyes as he actually spoke words he hardly ever did even to his brother. “C’mere.”

Rolling to his side, Sam’s cock felt ready to explode at the slightest touch but before Dean could reach for it Sam was working nimble fingers to get his brother’s jeans and boxer briefs down to take out the equally red and ready cock out to touch the slit with his thumb and heard Dean moan.

“Dreamed of touching you like this,” he whispered, a little wary about touching but Dean’s hand urged him on by shedding the rest of his clothes quickly. “Of being able to share a bed with you, touching you, kissing…”

“You have it and me, baby boy,” Dean assured him, kissing him lightly while taking both cocks in hand as he leaned into Sam; fitting their bodies together in a way that had never felt more natural to him. “Forever if you want it.”

Emotions were surging in him as Sam’s mouth opened under his brother’s for a deep kiss, hips thrusting against Dean as his brother met those thrusts with his own. “Please…” he moaned into Dean’s mouth, feeling the hand rubbing the two cocks together speed up as both men neared the end.

Dean’s other hand had moved up to card back through Sam’s hair, licking against Sam’s mouth to hear the small moan and plea and felt the first hard shudder a second before a final twist of his wrist and a touch of his finger to the slit sent Sam over.

“ _Dean_!” Sam’s shout was muffled as the kissed seared as the orgasm seared his blood and he moved into the hand milking his cock even as he felt more warmth as Dean came a second after him.

Slipping a knee between Sam’s legs to rub it against his balls, Dean worked them both through the orgasms while keeping his free hand and mouth moving to soothe Sam until he felt his brother go limp against him.

“Sammy?” carding his fingers back through sweat soaked hair, Dean smiled as he saw that Sam appeared to be fine but just out of it for a little bit from the strength of his climax and the stress leaving him. “Thank you, little brother,” he whispered, kissing the corner of Sam’s lips gently before easing away long enough to grab a wet rag to clean them both up with because a shower or bath was out of the question right then.

By the time Sam’s thoughts began to function again he felt the warmth of his softest sleep pants but he also felt the warmth of a strong arm wrapped around his shoulders holding him close and recognized the touch as he would as a child when waking up after a nightmare in his brother’s bed.

“You kind of freaked me out a little when you blacked out like that,” Dean’s voice was calm but the concern was still there, fingers tracing long ago learned sigils against Sam’s shoulder as he felt his brother waking up. “You okay, Sammy?”

For the first time in over a year he was waking up without any fear or tension so Sam nodded, opening his eyes to look into Dean’s eyes. “Yeah,” he replied quietly, seeing they were still in Dean’s bed and that Dean had pulled his own sleep pants on but didn’t bother with a shirt. “We…umm…did we…”

“Yeah, we did. Yeah, I’m fine and yeah, it was awesome,” Dean reassured him after he translated what he thought Sam was trying to say, recognizing the exhaustion in his brother’s face. “Sleep or food?”

Sam was hungry but he knew he’d be asleep before they could even heat some soup up. “I think I’ll eat later,” he yawned, his hand finding and curling over the amulet laying on Dean’s chest much like he always had. “Can I stay here?”

“Planned on that, Sam,” Dean remarked, already deciding they were buying a bigger bed for the cabin. “We can grab something when you wake up again…unless you feel like doing something else,” he left that hanging but could tell by the shy smile that Sam knew what he was suggesting.

“Sleep, food and then sex?” Sam asked quietly, biting his lip as he felt fingers in his hair. “Dean?”

“Yeah?” Dean laid still to allow Sam to curl against him more, his head finally finding a spot on Dean’s chest over his heart.

Looking up again, Sam’s hand touched Dean’s face before going back to the amulet. “Thank you,” he murmured, hoping his brother understood because right then he didn’t have the words to give.

“You gave me something, Sam. I’ll thank you when you’re awake again but…promise me that you’ll talk to me before ever trying this stunt again,” Dean smoothed a hand down his brother’s arm and then let it settle over the one Sam had on the amulet.

“Yeah, I will,” Sam replied, voice sleepy but still he needed to ask one more thing. “What about…I mean, you and Benny?”

Remembering that Sam didn’t know about his last talk with the vampire, Dean merely smiled and laced their fingers together. “I’d already talked to Benny while I was out that day, Sam. I told him he was on his own now and that I couldn’t help him anymore,” he eased Sam’s head up enough to see his tired eyes, brushing his thumb over his cheek. “I told him what was important to me was you and that it was time I focused on that. I never would’ve chosen him over you, little brother. We good?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Sam relaxed again, listening to the steady beat of Dean’s heart under his ear as he fell to sleep, allowing himself to dream of things to come and feeling safe as he did so.

Weeks ago he’d made a confession before he thought he’d die. Now as he returned a mumbled reply to something Dean whispered against his hair he was happy that his confession had led to safety, love and a stronger bond between himself and his brother and just wondered how long it would be to convince Dean to move to the next step.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Look for more stories coming soon. Several from the first couple episodes of this season. I know, I'm getting behind.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know. I cliffhanged it but would you rather have a long one-shot than some short chapters? Trust me. I always fix things by the end.


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